A Morris Dog Joke
Morris gets a new dog and can't wait to show him off to his neighbor. So when the neighbor comes over, the guy calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.

Morris points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "FETCH!"

Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits down. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears. Looking balefully up at his master, he says in a whiny voice.........."You think this is easy wagging my tail all the time? Oy! It hurts from so much wagging! And you think that designer dog food you're feeding me is good? You try it. It's dreck! Too salty! And what do you care? You just push me out the door to take a squirt twice a day. I can't even remember the last time you took me out for a good walk,"

The neighbor is amazed. "What the hell is that? Your dog is sitting there talking!!"

"Oh, I know", explains the dog owner, "He's young, and I'm still training him. He thought I said KVETCH!

Jewish Poker
Five Jewish gentlemen were playing poker one night when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, stands up, clutches his chest and drops dead on the floor.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Bash looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Nordheim, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.

Nordheim schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Nordheim declares "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"

Nordheim says, "I'll tell him."

Index

Quick Jokes
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah-he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter-she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar-he was on grass for seven years.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson-he brought the house down.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan-the banks were always overflowing.

Q. What do you call whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with Metamucil.
A. The brand name, of course, is "Let My People Go". . .

Index

Dry Clean Your Tallis
Menachem needs his tallis dry-cleaned. He sends it to the best dry cleaner in town, Ho Chi Wung Cleaners.
They tell him to come back in a week.
When he comes back, they give him the bill, which says $50.00.
"Fifty dollars to clean my tallis?!", Menachem reads, astonished.
"No, no, no!" replies the dry-cleaner. "Five dollars to clean tallis, forty-five dollars to take out all knots!

Short & Quick Jokes

An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Epstein, are you comfortable?" Epstein replies, "I make a nice living...."

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please" "What denomination?" says the clerk. The woman says "Oy vay,...my god, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!"

Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam, applying for his citizenship papers. He was asked to spell "cultivate", and he spelled it correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and with a big smile, responded:

"Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home".

Eric Schwartz - The Suburban Homeboy

	Eric goes from wimp to pimp – “Oh, the ladies bring me money… I’m very good with taxes.”  From Rabbi to bad guy – “I want to be the first Jewish gangster rapper.  Y’all can just call me Dr. Dreidel.”From fraternity beer drinker to head cheerleader – “I’m the pep daddy.”  With an endless line-up of original characters, Schwartz is a nice Jewish boy who, among other things, can rap with a vengeance. Eric's music and videos are hilarious.  His website, www.suburbanhomeboy.com, has more than enough funny to go around. A few of Eric's songs can be heard on dmusy.org!  All of these songs were created by Mr. Schwartz.  Please visit his website for more entertainment!
	Lose the Gelt	Hannukkah Hey Ya!	Latkes In Herre
	Crazy Jew	Lightin' It Up	Matzah
	So Kosher
	If you have any trouble downloading, right click and choose "Save Target As"

Index

A Vacation in Florida

A New York Yid left the snowy city for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on
a business trip in Atlanta and was planning to join him in Florida the next day.
When Yaakov reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address,
he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter
and his note was directed instead to an elderly Rebbitzin whose husband had
passed away only the day before. When the grieving Rebbitzin checked her e-mail,
she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband

P.S.: Sure is hot down here.

Index

The Jewish Bear

A man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear.

Frightened for his life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the
bear and hides in a cave. He is horrified to find that the bear has
run after him into the cave, and now the man is trapped. He closes
his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma Yisrael" in anticipation of
his final moments.

When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the
bear in front of him with his eyes closed - also praying. The man thinks
to himself "how lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only
Jewish bear! We're mishpocheh - I'm saved!"

He then listens more carefully to the bear's prayer:

"...hamotzi lechem min haaretz."

Index

Q&A

Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?

A: Fillet minyan.

Index

The Blind Man

A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A rabbi sits down next to him. The
rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah. Taking pity on the blind man, he
breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man. Several minutes later,
the blind man turns taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote
this junk?"

Index

An Upgrade

Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows '95.
Isaac's incredulous. "Pop," he says, "you can't run Windows '95 on your old, slow 386!
Everybody knows that you need at least a fast
486 with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask
effectively with Windows '95."

But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son
and replied, "G-d will provide the RAM, my son."

Index

Heaven's Orientation

Three buddies, Dovid, Shlomo and Yaakov die in a car crash, G-d forbid.
But they were good Jews so they go to Heaven and are ushered into
Heaven's orientation.

They are each asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family
are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

Dovid says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

Shlomo says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

Yaakov replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK, LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!!"

Index

More Jewish jokes to come!  This page is updated regularly.
Please e-mail the webmaster if you have a funny and clean Jewish joke.